I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize