dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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