You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
