So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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