Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
