i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
