he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
