That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
