I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
