so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
