woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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