Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
