don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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