I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
