i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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