Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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