your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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