a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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