just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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