Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
