Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
