There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
