The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize