yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
