the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
