he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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