Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
