You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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