I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
