I like to think it a success when the cops are called
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
