I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
