sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize