Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
