I puked a lego.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
