Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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