Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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