Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
