Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
