i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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