the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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