told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
