is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
