based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
