oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize