I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
