So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
