That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this beer tastes like vomit already
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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