Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
