just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
