you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my shit smells like andre
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
