Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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