so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
