Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
