a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
