Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize