OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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