Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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