I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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