In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
