Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
